I have never been good at juggling. I am on this down spiral of trying to juggle home, work, kids, personal life etc. I feel like there is no time for anything and that I am just running around chasing my own tail, never catching it.
I am so thankful for the job, it has helped catch up on bills and keep us afloat during the recession and provided less stress money wise in many aspects. It does however put a damper on personal time and time for kids. I find that I blame myself for a lot of things that probably are not all my fault, but I am the mom, which I believe alot of times is synonymous with the word Martyr. :-)
I have a kid whose grades are sliding, a choice that I believe that the child is making because they are becoming older...how do I NOT blame myself for the choices my child makes? Doesn't it reflect on me as a parent? It is hard to let go and let the child take the reins and responsibility of their own choices they are making, VERY HARD!
I need to reflect on what my ideals are and what is important. I have always been OCD with my house....it MUST look presentable (read spotless), at least downstairs where people may come by and see it. I fear that if they come and it is cluttered I will be deemed a crappy housekeeper, mother and person...not true more than likely, but my thoughts none the less.
I need to remember to stop and smell the roses with my kids, something that I have had alot of difficulty with since I began working outside the home. It has been a year and today I told Curt that I felt that our kids were suffering some for my need to work, but there was nothing to do about it since I need to work so we can keep our home and keep up on bills.
I blame myself for one child's difficulty learning in school. Even though this child has been in Haiti until the age of 3 and had little to no stimulation until they were home...a little bit of a late bloomer and a desire to be the baby forever is also happening I believe. It is hard, this juggling game I play. Some days I wish that I could just close the door and curtains, turn off the phone and just call into every ones work and school "NO, we are having a family day today!"
Prayers for me as I struggle with this, I know I am not the only one doing 500 things at once. I am thankful beyond belief for the ability to have a job when others do not have one to be frustrated with....I need to remember to be THANKFUL and Embrace the Grace more often.
A poem that hangs above my desk that I have looked at alot lately:
The 'things of Earth, the 'stuff' that gets to you
Will grow strangely dim in the light of His Glory and Grace
Learn to accept God's Grace
That is what His son died for.
3 Simple words: EMBRACE THE GRACE
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
H1N1 or Not?
Over the last couple of weeks all of us (minus healthy Curtis) have had one form of the flu or another. It started with Hunter and his cough, fever of 103* and sleeping all the time. Moved to Demi and her cough, low fever of 100* and sleeping and then a rash on her face. Nikaya chimed in with cough, sore throat and fever of 101* and sleeping and finished up the kid cycle with Kai and coughing, sore throat, fever of only 99-100*. Cough is hanging on with Kai, Demi only if she giggles to hard, but all in all we are recovering. I decided to take my turn last weekend (soooo glad it chose a weekend for me so I could waste my time on the couch..hehe). I 'meditated' on the couch (what the kids call it if I fall asleep watching T.V.) and had a low grade fever of 100*. My head and body hurt so bad I was in tears, whining or just being a big baby most of the time. Curtis has remained healthy as usual....stinker!
We are glad we are recovering and were able to attend Church today. I went to fights on Friday (didn't work these, just watched for once) and Cheer, grocery day, lawn mowing day for Sat. and Church and B-day party at the neighbors for today. Busy weekend, but I managed to meditate a little today while the kids were gone..hehe
Friday fights are coming up on Oct. 23rd and I will be Medic for those. Anxious to see the guys and who is fighting who this time...praying for nothing serious injury wise and the ability to care for them as necessary.
Had a great moment at church today when I was able to explain why we take Communion and true salvation to Hunter. To see in his eyes a little of what it truly means was wonderful. I think it is an analogy I will use with a couple of my friends to see if it makes more sense to them.
Imagine, you committed a horrible crime (robbery, murder) and the cops came for you but your friend said THEY did it instead. The cops take your friend and decide that the best punishment for the crime is torture and death- your friend takes that punishment for you even though you did not deserve it, YOU were the criminal, not your friend.
I loved seeing the lights totally come on for him and will try to begin the explanation for our other children. We have always taught them about God, Church and Faith, but to see true understanding of THE SACRIFICE that was made was wonderful to me. Whenever we have Communion I am often over come with tears as I imagine the hugeness of what was done for me. I begin to feel overwhelmed at the feeling and have to think happy thoughts as not to fall into tears and lay in the aisle bawling that I am yucky and glad he died for me anyway...not really a good scene I think...hehe
I hope this finds everyone well, recovering and just enjoying life, until next time-Embrace the Grace!
We are glad we are recovering and were able to attend Church today. I went to fights on Friday (didn't work these, just watched for once) and Cheer, grocery day, lawn mowing day for Sat. and Church and B-day party at the neighbors for today. Busy weekend, but I managed to meditate a little today while the kids were gone..hehe
Friday fights are coming up on Oct. 23rd and I will be Medic for those. Anxious to see the guys and who is fighting who this time...praying for nothing serious injury wise and the ability to care for them as necessary.
Had a great moment at church today when I was able to explain why we take Communion and true salvation to Hunter. To see in his eyes a little of what it truly means was wonderful. I think it is an analogy I will use with a couple of my friends to see if it makes more sense to them.
Imagine, you committed a horrible crime (robbery, murder) and the cops came for you but your friend said THEY did it instead. The cops take your friend and decide that the best punishment for the crime is torture and death- your friend takes that punishment for you even though you did not deserve it, YOU were the criminal, not your friend.
I loved seeing the lights totally come on for him and will try to begin the explanation for our other children. We have always taught them about God, Church and Faith, but to see true understanding of THE SACRIFICE that was made was wonderful to me. Whenever we have Communion I am often over come with tears as I imagine the hugeness of what was done for me. I begin to feel overwhelmed at the feeling and have to think happy thoughts as not to fall into tears and lay in the aisle bawling that I am yucky and glad he died for me anyway...not really a good scene I think...hehe
I hope this finds everyone well, recovering and just enjoying life, until next time-Embrace the Grace!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Chugging Along
Well, I have been at the weight loss/Walking game again for 1.5 weeks...weight has stayed fairly much the same, but I am working up tot he 3 miles a day I was doing before my hiatus. I am hoping to get a few lb's off here soon and get back to 1-derland instead of 2-much weight that I am at now...hehe
Kids are doing well in school. Nikaya is loving school and enjoying the bus ride. Bad thing is that public school can sometimes expose the kids to things you wish they didn't have exposure to, but the flip side is that they learn that not everyone is nice in the world.
Nikaya came home the other day and told me something on the way home. It was so hard not to be angry and giggle all at once.
Imagine if you will, my little Nik sitting in the backseat. Whenever Nik talks it is cute, she has this under bite that is hereditary and when she says certain things it just looks cute/funny.
Nik is the 'Polite police'...this is what we call her at home, since she is often the one who tells everyone if they are saying or doing something that is neither nice nor appropriate...yes, she says appropriate...
Anyway, she tells me that two boys were fighting and she told them that it was not nice to fight and that they should be friends. One boy looked at her and said "mind your own business you stinky butthole" At this point I was glancing in the child mirror I have and could see her face....I had to watch myself so I would not giggle (her jaw jutted out and the look of absolute disgust as some little kid called HER a stinky butthole) as I told her that indeed, that was mean and inappropriate and she should have told a teacher. She said she did and the kid had to go to the Principal's office.
Now, I am NOT mother of the year, but I was not pleased someone called my sweet Nik a stinky butthole, but, I just have not heard this b-word for so long, was flabbergasted that a Kindergartner said it and the look on her face, I had to giggle and be angry at once...I just hope she didn't see or hear me and will not need therapy for it later on.
Kids are doing well in school. Nikaya is loving school and enjoying the bus ride. Bad thing is that public school can sometimes expose the kids to things you wish they didn't have exposure to, but the flip side is that they learn that not everyone is nice in the world.
Nikaya came home the other day and told me something on the way home. It was so hard not to be angry and giggle all at once.
Imagine if you will, my little Nik sitting in the backseat. Whenever Nik talks it is cute, she has this under bite that is hereditary and when she says certain things it just looks cute/funny.
Nik is the 'Polite police'...this is what we call her at home, since she is often the one who tells everyone if they are saying or doing something that is neither nice nor appropriate...yes, she says appropriate...
Anyway, she tells me that two boys were fighting and she told them that it was not nice to fight and that they should be friends. One boy looked at her and said "mind your own business you stinky butthole" At this point I was glancing in the child mirror I have and could see her face....I had to watch myself so I would not giggle (her jaw jutted out and the look of absolute disgust as some little kid called HER a stinky butthole) as I told her that indeed, that was mean and inappropriate and she should have told a teacher. She said she did and the kid had to go to the Principal's office.
Now, I am NOT mother of the year, but I was not pleased someone called my sweet Nik a stinky butthole, but, I just have not heard this b-word for so long, was flabbergasted that a Kindergartner said it and the look on her face, I had to giggle and be angry at once...I just hope she didn't see or hear me and will not need therapy for it later on.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Issues
There have been many issues involved with the Orphanage I have worked with in Haiti. Accusations of abuse, both sexual and physical. While I do not know the whole story, I have heard MUCH of it from both sides. I have learned that one of my children had been physically abused by their caretaker, and still shows the mental scars today.
I do not pretend that Haiti is perfect, the Orphanage I work with has been perfect, or the man whom I help is perfect. What I do know is that in Haiti many say 'T.I.H." This is Haiti...
This last week there was a HUGE blow-up on a yahoo group that is full of families that have adopted, are adopting, or otherwise support this orphanage. I myself, became involved with the angry banter, not that I am proud of it, but I had said some not so nice things. We have had one or two on the group that even though they are well versed in the Bible, tend to live their life higher than others and point it out in full force while quoting the Bible as the backup to their nastiness.
Now, I am usually not one to judge peoples relationships with Christ. I, myself, stumble every day and know that I am not in the right place with God as I wish I was. I see to many things in life that out weigh my ability to serve him in full.
I also want to note that while adopting our 2 youngest, I had to take a Psychological Evaluation test that pulls out your characteristics of your personality......I scored CLINICAL on Social Justice. What that means is that if I feel like someone is being treated unfairly, I tend to respond 100% to the extreme to redeem that person or thing and will not rest until I feel like I have been heard.
Now, I am not trying to use this as an excuse, but when I hear people say something that they state is 100% truth about someone, not knowing that persons 100% truth, motives etc. about the situation, I will go off like a grenade. (I have to say it is nice to know there is some technical/psychological thing for this since my family always thought I just liked to start fights..hehe)
Anyway, I responded to someone angrier than I should have and feel bad that the others involved may have missed the point I was making. I hope that people begin to realize that we are dealing with sensitive issues such as children's lives and the reputation of a man who has given his life to these orphans.
I hope all that are involved are healed, find themselves right with God and do not tarnish one mans life to so-called heal another.
I do not pretend that Haiti is perfect, the Orphanage I work with has been perfect, or the man whom I help is perfect. What I do know is that in Haiti many say 'T.I.H." This is Haiti...
This last week there was a HUGE blow-up on a yahoo group that is full of families that have adopted, are adopting, or otherwise support this orphanage. I myself, became involved with the angry banter, not that I am proud of it, but I had said some not so nice things. We have had one or two on the group that even though they are well versed in the Bible, tend to live their life higher than others and point it out in full force while quoting the Bible as the backup to their nastiness.
Now, I am usually not one to judge peoples relationships with Christ. I, myself, stumble every day and know that I am not in the right place with God as I wish I was. I see to many things in life that out weigh my ability to serve him in full.
I also want to note that while adopting our 2 youngest, I had to take a Psychological Evaluation test that pulls out your characteristics of your personality......I scored CLINICAL on Social Justice. What that means is that if I feel like someone is being treated unfairly, I tend to respond 100% to the extreme to redeem that person or thing and will not rest until I feel like I have been heard.
Now, I am not trying to use this as an excuse, but when I hear people say something that they state is 100% truth about someone, not knowing that persons 100% truth, motives etc. about the situation, I will go off like a grenade. (I have to say it is nice to know there is some technical/psychological thing for this since my family always thought I just liked to start fights..hehe)
Anyway, I responded to someone angrier than I should have and feel bad that the others involved may have missed the point I was making. I hope that people begin to realize that we are dealing with sensitive issues such as children's lives and the reputation of a man who has given his life to these orphans.
I hope all that are involved are healed, find themselves right with God and do not tarnish one mans life to so-called heal another.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Addiction
Lately I have followed as some of my family members have battled with addiction. Addiction is a disease that you must fight by choice. I have members on 2 different sides of my family that suffer. Once side suffers more than the other since I can pin point that every member of this side has an addiction to one thing or another, whether it be food, booze or pills/drugs. It is hard to put in writing the way it makes me feel. I, myself suffer from addiction and have to fight it every day.
My bio father was Bi-Polar as well as an Addict. He suffered from this every day of his life. Sometimes I handled it OK, other days I wanted to pretend that he didn't exist and I didn't have to deal with it. Most of my life I was the parent in the relationship and he was the child. He passed away 1 year ago in March at the age of 53...we buried him two days before his 54th B-day. He passed from a massive heart attack. More than likely it was due to the years of abuse he put his body thru. I watched him fight with himself and often think of him when I fight my daily fight against whatever is getting to me. I miss him terribly and fell angry that my children were robbed of a grandpa that loved them very much. Even with his bad back he would get on the floor to give pony rides or bend over to pick them up. They always understood Grandpa was sick, grandpa was in the hospital etc...but they never understood why. The day I told me oldest two was a hard day for me, to tell them honestly about what ailed grandpa Rick and the hope that it never happened to me or anyone else they knew.
I spoke to my Cousin T this weekend. He has spent some time incarcerated as well as in rehab. He continues to make bad choices even though the right ones are staring him in the face. I want so much to help him and don't know how. It really is a decision that he has to make for himself. He and I discussed his 'Disease' called addiction and how he cannot control it. I reminded him that I have an Addictive past as well and every day is a fight for me to make the right choices. His girlfriend and baby have left him due to his drinking and addiction to sex and he is lost, no belief in any higher power or way to get himself out. I fear that one day we will get a call that he is gone and wonder what we could have done to help him. I know that some in my family would think it was good riddance to bad rubbish; but he is a human , a relative, a loved one...how can we turn our back on him. Maybe I think that way because I fear that one day I could be the one they turn their back on because I have made the wrong choices as well.
I now have another cousin K that is fighting a pill addiction. When I hear how far down the spiral she has gone it saddens me. I want to heal her as well, but once again know that only she can make the decision to heal and want to be healed. Her mother and father have no way to help her as she suffers from this pill addiction. It has cost her her job and is costing her her family. She sleeps all the time, neglects her family and is lost as well. She has said she would go to out patient treatment but she has not. Once again, I fear that we will get a call that she has OD'ed....a very real fear since she has accidentally done it once already.... my fear is that the next time she cannot be saved.
Me, my addiction is food. I hide myself in it, find pleasure in it and know that sometimes I eat when there is no physical hunger, just emotional hunger. I am not sure I am hiding from any 1 thing, maybe many things. I have always been friendly and tend to make friends easily. I am the fun one of the group, telling jokes and making the crowd have a good time...is that me, or is that me hiding..I do not know. When I have had surgery in the past I always get my prescriptions and give them to my hubby. Not that I know I will take them to much, but that I FEAR that I might. He doles them out and is my enabler in a different sense....enabling me to be safe. He and I have spoken many times my fears of being Bi-Polar, Addiction etc. One of the reasons I am glad we adopted-deepen the gene pool a little in that area..hehe
It is a standing order in the area of addiction that should I ever become addicted to pills, drugs, booze etc, to the point that I am incapable of making the correct decisions that he will instantly find me help no matter how much I beg, promise or plead. Until then, I fight the every day fight of weight and food and hope that I find the balance I desperately need.
My bio father was Bi-Polar as well as an Addict. He suffered from this every day of his life. Sometimes I handled it OK, other days I wanted to pretend that he didn't exist and I didn't have to deal with it. Most of my life I was the parent in the relationship and he was the child. He passed away 1 year ago in March at the age of 53...we buried him two days before his 54th B-day. He passed from a massive heart attack. More than likely it was due to the years of abuse he put his body thru. I watched him fight with himself and often think of him when I fight my daily fight against whatever is getting to me. I miss him terribly and fell angry that my children were robbed of a grandpa that loved them very much. Even with his bad back he would get on the floor to give pony rides or bend over to pick them up. They always understood Grandpa was sick, grandpa was in the hospital etc...but they never understood why. The day I told me oldest two was a hard day for me, to tell them honestly about what ailed grandpa Rick and the hope that it never happened to me or anyone else they knew.
I spoke to my Cousin T this weekend. He has spent some time incarcerated as well as in rehab. He continues to make bad choices even though the right ones are staring him in the face. I want so much to help him and don't know how. It really is a decision that he has to make for himself. He and I discussed his 'Disease' called addiction and how he cannot control it. I reminded him that I have an Addictive past as well and every day is a fight for me to make the right choices. His girlfriend and baby have left him due to his drinking and addiction to sex and he is lost, no belief in any higher power or way to get himself out. I fear that one day we will get a call that he is gone and wonder what we could have done to help him. I know that some in my family would think it was good riddance to bad rubbish; but he is a human , a relative, a loved one...how can we turn our back on him. Maybe I think that way because I fear that one day I could be the one they turn their back on because I have made the wrong choices as well.
I now have another cousin K that is fighting a pill addiction. When I hear how far down the spiral she has gone it saddens me. I want to heal her as well, but once again know that only she can make the decision to heal and want to be healed. Her mother and father have no way to help her as she suffers from this pill addiction. It has cost her her job and is costing her her family. She sleeps all the time, neglects her family and is lost as well. She has said she would go to out patient treatment but she has not. Once again, I fear that we will get a call that she has OD'ed....a very real fear since she has accidentally done it once already.... my fear is that the next time she cannot be saved.
Me, my addiction is food. I hide myself in it, find pleasure in it and know that sometimes I eat when there is no physical hunger, just emotional hunger. I am not sure I am hiding from any 1 thing, maybe many things. I have always been friendly and tend to make friends easily. I am the fun one of the group, telling jokes and making the crowd have a good time...is that me, or is that me hiding..I do not know. When I have had surgery in the past I always get my prescriptions and give them to my hubby. Not that I know I will take them to much, but that I FEAR that I might. He doles them out and is my enabler in a different sense....enabling me to be safe. He and I have spoken many times my fears of being Bi-Polar, Addiction etc. One of the reasons I am glad we adopted-deepen the gene pool a little in that area..hehe
It is a standing order in the area of addiction that should I ever become addicted to pills, drugs, booze etc, to the point that I am incapable of making the correct decisions that he will instantly find me help no matter how much I beg, promise or plead. Until then, I fight the every day fight of weight and food and hope that I find the balance I desperately need.
Monday, September 07, 2009
Ceus Boys
This summer we had the privilege to meet Kai's bio brother Juneau. Juneau is 11, Kai is 8. These two boys knew who each other was instantly. The similarity between them was amazing. To take 2 kids who have never spent time together and put them in the same room you would have thought they had been best buds forever. Toes with the same creases, same facial expressions and dimples, same head shape (Jimmy Neutron...hehe) giggles that were alike and the same orneriness and charm that ooze from them.
Juneau lives in Oregon, about 7 or so hours from us. His family is wonderful. It was great getting to meet them and see who this little guy was...amazing time.
Ceus Boys
Jumping on the Trampoline
Juneau lives in Oregon, about 7 or so hours from us. His family is wonderful. It was great getting to meet them and see who this little guy was...amazing time.
Ceus Boys
Jumping on the Trampoline
My Crazy Clan plus Juneau and his Brother Jackson. ( I am NOT trying to marry Jackson off before his time, he is a tender 17 almost 18, but ladies...he is going to be an awesome God loving, kind man soon!) hehe
Our Daddy
Daddy with one of his Princesses
Christmas Pepsi Mug
Die Hard BBQ Fan....even in the rain! I wanted to take a few minutes to write a few lines about our daddy. Our daddy is the greatest daddy of all. Sept. 5th marked our daddies 39th b-day...he is quickly approaching the 40 year mark, but we will not mention it out loud in case it makes it come sooner!
WE LOVE YOU DADDY!!!!!!!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Haiti Post
Whenever I travel to Haiti I am usually overcome with emotion. I know that this is my children's country, their home, and home to the beautiful people I hope they grow to love and raise up as their own. I want my children to have a sense of Pride about where they come from, to say HAITIAN and KNOW what it means. Every time I go to Haiti, I take a little bit of it with me back here and leave a little bit of myself there.
When I go to Haiti I often go with the American mindset-life here is hard, the economy is hard, I am crabby at the person in front of me in line blah, blah, blah. When I leave Haiti I begin to see how petty and little MY problems really are and how everything around me is rich in American wealth, even the poor people here are wealthy by Haitian standards.
I saw a 15 year old mother begging for money, selling herself to anyone who came by, to feed herself and her starving child. She and her child had a hunger like I have never felt. We spoke to this mother about what the Lord can do for her and how if she came to the creche she could set her child up for adoption, or at least get her a few good meals, medical tests and schooling for herself, no strings attached. We, and I mean me and the Orphan teens and Claudette, gave her money and the address to the Creche and spoke to her about what the Creche was and how it could help her and her child...begged her to make the decision to at least come and check it out.
You see, at first I passed her off like every other beggar type person who comes to the window anytime you stop. But when the teens and Claudette took note of her, we heard her cry and beg us to help her baby, it made me take notice. For Orphan teens to dig into THEIR wallets to give to her made my world get smaller as I listened to her explain what she had been doing to feed her young baby.
The mother was thin, hair was somewhat orangish, but she was beautiful under all the sadness and hunger. Her daughter was sweet as well, but very skinny, little chicken legs poking out from the long shirt she wore. Her head was mostly bald except for a few patches of orange tufts poking out....Kwashiokors is not far off for her, this little girl was starving to death. She lay listless across her mothers shoulder and stared at us like we were not there. I wanted so desperately to take a picture of them, to show them to you and to remember her forever, but I would not ask...fear that I would come off as an American tourist clicking my camera at her sadness. Instead I hold her face, and the face of her daughter in my soul.
I hope and Pray that she comes to the Creche, that she begs for the Lord to help her and that he will hear her, and she will hear him.
She, and all of Haiti remind me of the quote on my blog by Bono~Where is God~ He is indeed in the slums.
When I go to Haiti I often go with the American mindset-life here is hard, the economy is hard, I am crabby at the person in front of me in line blah, blah, blah. When I leave Haiti I begin to see how petty and little MY problems really are and how everything around me is rich in American wealth, even the poor people here are wealthy by Haitian standards.
I saw a 15 year old mother begging for money, selling herself to anyone who came by, to feed herself and her starving child. She and her child had a hunger like I have never felt. We spoke to this mother about what the Lord can do for her and how if she came to the creche she could set her child up for adoption, or at least get her a few good meals, medical tests and schooling for herself, no strings attached. We, and I mean me and the Orphan teens and Claudette, gave her money and the address to the Creche and spoke to her about what the Creche was and how it could help her and her child...begged her to make the decision to at least come and check it out.
You see, at first I passed her off like every other beggar type person who comes to the window anytime you stop. But when the teens and Claudette took note of her, we heard her cry and beg us to help her baby, it made me take notice. For Orphan teens to dig into THEIR wallets to give to her made my world get smaller as I listened to her explain what she had been doing to feed her young baby.
The mother was thin, hair was somewhat orangish, but she was beautiful under all the sadness and hunger. Her daughter was sweet as well, but very skinny, little chicken legs poking out from the long shirt she wore. Her head was mostly bald except for a few patches of orange tufts poking out....Kwashiokors is not far off for her, this little girl was starving to death. She lay listless across her mothers shoulder and stared at us like we were not there. I wanted so desperately to take a picture of them, to show them to you and to remember her forever, but I would not ask...fear that I would come off as an American tourist clicking my camera at her sadness. Instead I hold her face, and the face of her daughter in my soul.
I hope and Pray that she comes to the Creche, that she begs for the Lord to help her and that he will hear her, and she will hear him.
She, and all of Haiti remind me of the quote on my blog by Bono~Where is God~ He is indeed in the slums.
Haiti Picture Post
Road to the NLL orphanage in Carrefour
Children danced for me to the Chocolate Song
View from the Orphanage balcony
Rooftop playground for the kids
Street market in Carrefour
View from the balcony-you can see the ocean in the distance
A woman walking to market
Group one of NLL kids~yes, I bribed them with piwhili's (suckers)
Group 2 NLL
Group 3 NLL kids
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